It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere A Twilight Parody
by Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin
Summary: Yes, we're going after Twilight. So, in it, Bonney is a hipster who moves to Lake Tahoe, California, because she thinks living in Las Vegas is too mainstream. Law is the hipster vampire whose hipsterness puts Eridan Ampora to shame. Zoro is a drunk werewolf. Obviously, YOU KNOW Bonney's going to pick the hipster.
1. Hi, I'm a Hipster

**Author's Note: **Happy 50 fanfics! Bet you weren't expecting a parody of the _Twilight _saga as my 50th fic!

Anyway, this will be a hipster re-telling of the _Twilight _saga. Law will not be a sparkly, pretty, fairy princess, Zoro will not be shirtless every scene (sorry, Zoro fangirls), Bonney will be much different from Bella, and there will be no love triangle, since the summary already states that Bonney will end up with Law. Zoro will be just a friend to Bonney... And maybe a wingman to Law.

**Pairings: Bonney x Law, Bonney/Zoro nakamashipping, Madam Shirley x Ivankov, Yuki-Rin x Kazuma, Heathcliffe x Aki, and maybe some Kartik x Matsu, Vivi x Ace, Hawkins x X. Drake, and Sanji x Robin.**

**Warning: This fic contains hipster-related stuff and _Twilight_ bashing. You have been warned. I apologize to any _Twilight _fans reading this, because this is a parody of the books.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or the _Twilight _saga.**

* * *

The hot, Las Vegas sun glared down on the Prius window, and onto my iPod, which just died right when Arcade Fire's hit song, _The Suburbs_, was about to play.

"Damnit," I mutter to myself as I pocket my iPod in my vintage skinny jeans I got at the thrift store for five bucks.

"No swearing," My mother, Madame Shirley, warns me as we get out of the car. As I get my things out of the trunk, I realize why I'm moving up to Lake Tahoe, California - Living the good life in Las Vegas got too mainstream, so I decided to live with my father, X. Drake, at some hotel/condo complex in a mountain community hipsters will likely be at.

"You don't have to do this. I mean, my gay burlesque show isn't touring, so you can still live vith us," My mom's fianceé, Emporio Ivankov, explains. I sigh.

"I'd rather have a mountain community with no Urban Outfitters than my new step-dad's burlesque show," I explain calmly. My mom grabs me.

"Please don't go. We'll stop shopping at all those desinger clothing shops and get your clothes from where all these hipsters shop. We'll take you to see _Moonrise Kingdom_. Ooh! I can take you to Coachella in -" My mom says before I step foot into the airport.

"Later," I say to my mom and step-dad, since my entire wardrobe is clothing from Urban Outfitters, American Apparel, the thrift shop, or wherever else hipsters go to get clothes, I've seen _Moonrise Kingdom_ five times already, and I was planning on going to Tumblr's Coachella meet-up.

The hipster wins again.

* * *

The car ride to Neutral Milk Hotel and Condos in South Lake Tahoe is quiet. It's a sunny day in early October, and it's not as hot as Vegas. This part of the U.S. is quite beautiful.

"I bought you a car," My dad says as he drives up the winding roads to my new hometown. "I mean, do you drive?"

"I just got my license," I say.

"Well, then... Do all the cool hipsters you talk about drives Priuses?" My dad asks me. I scream like a teenaged girl who just met One Direction. (And, for the record, I hate One Direction)

"Shut up! You got me a Prius?" I cry. Sure enough, when we get to the hotel/condos, a silver Prius is parked in the space next to my dad's car.

"Yep. I bought it with my latest winnings," My dad explains. He's a professional gambler on the side and he's been on the World Poker Tour several times, so he's pretty loaded, like my mom and Ivankov. I think this is why mom divorced him.

"Thank you, dad! You're the best professional gambler ever!" I say as I glomp my dad. With a dad who can gamble, several hipster-ish botiques I saw on the way to my new home (err... Condo), and a new Prius, I have the feeling that life in Lake Tahoe will be pretty copacetic.

* * *

**Gol D. Roger High School Class Schedule.**

**Period 1 - U.S. History (8:00 - 8:55)  
Period 2 - Trigonometry (9:00 - 9:55)  
Break Period (9:55 - 10:15)  
Period 3 - Gym (10:20 - 11:15)  
Period 4 - English (11:20 - 12:15)  
Lunch (12:15 - 1:00)  
Period 5 - Art (1:05 - 2:00)  
Period 6 - Biology (2:05 - 3:00)**

That's my schedule for school. It's all good, except for Biology.

"Excuse me, but I requested Chemistry," I say to the receptionist.

"Where do you come from?" The receptionist asks me.

"Las Vegas. I already took Biology there," I say. The receptionist types some things into her computer.

"Sorry, sweetie, but all the Chemistry classes are full. Looks like you'll be taking Biology again," The receptionist explains. "Better luck next year."

I graduate next year, so how can I have "better luck next year"?

Bummer.

* * *

My classes, so far, are okay. Here's what happened:

- I met a green-haired girl in U.S. History named Keimi. We spent the entire class period arguing over what the Nullification Crisis was. Other than that, Keimi makes her own clothes, so she's pretty chill.

- Nothing happened in Trigonometry. It must be a boring class.

- During Gym, I got hit in the face while we were playing dodgeball. I spent the rest of the class period in the nurse's office waiting for an ice pack.

- For English, my teacher is a purple-haired, glasses-wearing man of about twenty-four named Kartik Abingdon. While we were reading our assigned book for class (_Gone With the Wind_), I kept wondering where Kartik got his sweater vest, since it looks totally vintage.

Okay, we're back at the present time - End of English class.

So, I'm walking out of my English class, when I bump into a boy with a long nose.

"Sorry about that," I apologize as I help the boy pick up his books.

"No problem, that happens to me all the time," The boy explains. "Oh, by the way, I'm Usopp."

"I'm Bonney, the new kid," I say to the boy with the long nose. I also end up having lunch with Usopp, since he's Keimi's friend.

"So, Bonney, where are you from?" Usopp asks me.

"I'm from Las Vegas," I answer. "And, yes, gambling, strippers, showgirls, the 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas' attitude, and Sigfried and Roy got too mainstream for me."

The three of us laugh. As I laugh, I notice a boy sitting with several designer-clothing clad teens. With his dark hair, goatee, and Mac laptop, he looks really out of place. It takes me a second to realize WHY the boy is out of place - He isn't wearing designer clothes that show wealth. He wears a pair of hipster glasses, a furry, animal-print hat, a hipster scarf, a T-shirt that says "Ships are too mainstream - I only travel on Yellow Submarines", blue jeans, and leather boots.

I think I'm in love.

"Hey, Usopp, who are those wealthy-looking people over there?" I ask as I point to the table the bored-looking hipster is sitting at.

"Those guys? Bonney, those are the teenaged members of the Capricorn Pirates from the hit T.V. show _One Piece: Parallel Works_! They just got back from filming the latest season of the show in L.A. yesterday!" Usopp says in awe.

"But, what about the guy with the Mac?" I ask.

"Him? That's Trafalgar Law, who the Capricorns adopted. He has absolutely no interest in the lifestyles of the rich and the famous. In fact, last I talked to him, he went to Reno last Friday night to see some band called Animal Collective in concert," Usopp explains.

Oh. My. God.

This Trafalgar Law guy is defintely a hipster.

I think I'm in love.

* * *

When I get to Biology, I'm in for a surprise - My lab partner is Law.

"Alright, kids, you'll be observing the bacteria culture today and compare it to how the culture was on Friday afternoon," Caesar Clown - our Biology teacher - explains. "You may begin the lab."

Without a word said to my partner, I get out my pencil and my lab notebook. But, in order to complete the assignment, I have to say something to this guy to get the notes.

"Hey, can I see your notes from Friday afternoon?" I ask Law. Wow, that was totally a dull introduction.

"New kid?" Law asks me as he puts his notebook next to mine. Damn, his notes are detailed!

"Yep. I'm Bonney. I'm from Vegas," I introduce myself.

"My name's Law, and there are two things you should know," Law introduces himself. "One, don't ask why I was adopted by celebrities. And, two, did the whole 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas' mentality get old for you?"

"Nope. It got too mainstream for me, that's all," I say. Law chuckles at my little hipster joke, so I know he must be legit and not a poser.

"You're a hipster, too?" Law asks. I nod. "That's pretty chill. I'm the only hipster in my adopted family, so I'm kind of a loner."

"You're not a loner. Why? Because being a brooding loner is too mainstream," I explain.

"Tell that to Heathcliffe," Law says.

"Are you referring to the _Wuthering Heights_ character or the fat, orange cat?" I ask. I've read _Wuthering Heights_ and seen that Heathcliff cartoon, and one Heathcliff was enough, honestly.

"No, I'm talking about Heathcliffe Sarutobi. He's one of my adoptive brothers, and the girls fawn all over him because of his 'brooding good looks' and 'that piercing, sexy stare'. It's like he's Edward Cullen!" Law rants in frustruation. I sigh in annoyance and agreement. Annoyance because Heathcliffe Saurtobi goes here, and agreement since Law and I don't really like him.

"I know, right? Back in Vegas, all of the girls at the school were all 'Heathcliffe! Heathcliffe! OMG, Heathcliffe!' I mean, come on, for all we know, he's probably screwing one of his brothers off-screen," I rant. Law giggles.

"Another reason why emo-looking boys and hipsters don't get along - The yaoi fans are all over the emo-looking boys," Law explains. "Now, I'm not saying that Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren Sarutobi are emo, I'm just saying that -"

The final bell rings.

"Same time same place tomorrow?" I ask.

"Actually, no. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow," Law says. True to his word, Law is absent from school the next day. Coincidentally, the school also held a blood drive that day.

Either this is coincidence, or I am in a version of _Twilight _that Wes Anderson wrote and directed.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see some more Capricorns!**


	2. Brooding is for Sexy Punks, Not Hipsters

**Author's Note: **It's 5 o'clock somewhere, which means it's time to update this fic.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _Twilight_.**

* * *

Tuesday, the day of the blood drive, kinda sucked. Why? Here's what happened:

So, I'm standing in the lunch line, contemplating what to eat. Lo mein or spaghetti?

"Lo mein or spaghetti?" I ask Usopp, who shrugs.

"It's a lo mein day for me," Usopp says before holding his tray out for the Chinese noodle dish. With a sigh, I do the same. "Something wrong?"

"Nope. I just have a weird feeling about today that I can't quite place," I say as Usopp and I sit down.

"And that would involve?" Usopp asks before the cafeteria doors creak open. Right when they open, girls in the cafeteria begin to scream as if Justin Bieber entered the cafeteria.

Thankfully, it's not Justin Bieber who enters. It's somebody I DON'T want to meet who enters instead.

"What the hell?" I wonder out loud.

"Oh, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-That-Isn't-Voldemort just entered," Usopp says in a casual manner.

"You mean Law?" I ask, hoping for that small chance that Law's doctor's appointment was done early.

"He means me, not that brooding hipster."

I turn around, and there he is. A seventeen-year-old boy who has black hair that many girls want to touch, a so-called "piercing, sexy stare", and so-called "brooding good looks". Today, he wears a black, Green Day T-shirt under a black-and-red, flannel shirt, black skinny jeans, black combat boots, studded wristbands, a spiked dog collar, and a necklace of a gothic cross.

"Heathcliffe Sarutobi, I presume?" I greet as I stick out my hand.

"You must be Jewelry Bonney, that new hipster chick. Tell me, how obscure are your tastes in music?" Heathcliffe asks me. I sigh.

"Well, I like Arcade Fire, Neutral Milk Hotel, Animal Collective, Titus Andronicus, Flogging Molly, Foster the People, Bombay Bicycle Club, The Black Keys, Two Door Cinema Club, Belle and Sebastian, Matt and Kim, Franz Ferdinand, The Shins, The White Stripes, Florence + The Machine, The Temper Trap, Tokyo Police Club, The Gaslight Anthem, The Devil Makes Three, Mumford and Sons, At the Drive-In, The Daylights -" I say before Heathcliffe cuts me off.

"Sorry, haven't heard of most of those bands, except Flogging Molly, Foster the People, The Black Keys, The Black Keys, Florence + The Machine, and Mumford and Sons," Heathcliffe says. I scowl.

"Of course, you have. Those bands may be more famous than other indie bands, but they still have a place in my heart," I explain.

"Well, if you're a hipster and you like mainstream artists, then you must be a po -" Heathcliffe says before I cut him off.

"DON'T go there! If you're gonna call me a poser, I will make a Tumblr blog called 'Heathcliffe Sarutobi from the Hit Show _One Piece: Parallel Works_ is in Love With his Brother Holden'! I don't care if you have a girlfriend, it WILL happen if you double-cross me one more time!" I threaten. Usopp and Kemi's mouths are opened wide with shock. But, Heathcliffe just shurgs.

"Your loss. At least I'm a celebrity and I can fix things like that," Heathcliffe says before he walks away.

"Stuck-up bastard," I mutter under my breath.

"Don't let him get to you, Bonney. All of the Capricorn Pirates are a bit snobby because of their fame. You're just gonna have to get used to it," Usopp tells me.

"Do they treat Law this way?" I ask.

"They do. It's not Law's fault that both of his parents disappeared on a cruise that sailed through the Bermuda Triangle," Keimi explains.

"The Bermuda Triangle exists? Really, Keimi?" Usopp asks the green-haired girl. I sigh and gather my things.

"Listen, guys, I'm gonna go. I'll see you tomorrow," I say before I make my way out of the cafeteria.

Heathcliffe Sarutobi, this means war. Hipster vs. punk. Bring it on.

* * *

I'm still fuming even after school.

"_Jewelry Bonney, get it together. Heathcliffe Sarutobi is just another rich kid. You've seen those types when you went to school in Las Vegas. As in, rich kids who live in the Aria or the Venetian or the Mandalay Bay,_" I think to myself. I'm too deep in my thoughts to notice something coming my way.

"Get out of the way!"

Sure enough, one of the kids lost control of their car, and they're speeding toward me. I close my eyes, not wanting to see what will happen next.

"Bonney!"

I open my eyes and see Law, who stops the car with his foot. But, he accidentally knocks me over and I hit my head on the pavement.

My last thoughts before I black out are "_What the hell, Law?_"

* * *

When I awake, I'm in - surprise, surprise - a hospital.

"Oh, good, you're awake."

A blonde-haired, blue-eyed doctor who doesn't look a day over twenty-three enters the room.

"Who are you? I think I know you from somewhere," I ask.

"My name's Ageha Midori. I'm a doctor, and I play a doctor on the hit show _One Piece: Parallel Works_," Ageha explains. I grow pale, since my doctor is the bipolar doctor of the Capricorn Pirates.

This won't end well.

"Ageha-ya, I'm here for Bonney-ya."

Law enters the room. Ageha glares at him.

"I told you not to call me that name," Ageha curtly tells Law before she turns to me. "Bonney, you're free to go home. We checked you out, and you just had a minor concussion."

"Oh," I say as I get out of the bed. "Does my dad know?"

Ageha facepalms.

"He knows, Bonney, because I'm your new doctor!" Ageha announced with a smile.

Aw, hell naw.

She did NOT just go there.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see the Straw Hats.**


	3. Homecoming is Too Mainstream

**Author's Note: **It's ten minutes after 5:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. Time to update this fic!

**Disclaimer: I own the Capricorn Pirates and nothing else.**

* * *

My dad freaked out about my concussion, so he made me stay home from school the next day. Paranoid much?

Anyway, it's now Thursday, and everyone around me (except Law) has caught homecoming fever. I never liked homecoming. It was always too mainstream. Even Holden and Soren Sarutobi had the nerve to ask me to homecoming. I made up an excuse that I was going to a Foster the People concert that night.

As I enter the cafeteria for lunch, I notice Law sitting alone.

"Hey," I say as I sit down next to Law.

"Oh. Hey, Bonney," Law says.

"Where are the Capricorns?" I ask.

"Over there," Law says as he points to the Capricorns, who are chatting about the homecoming dance. "I told them I wasn't going. Homecoming's too mainstream. Plus, I want to spend the night of the homecoming dance shopping for a new vintage camera in Reno."

"Really? Holden and Soren Sarutobi asked me to the dance, and I told them I was going to a Foster the People concert," I explain.

"Foster the People? Can I join you?" Law jokes. We both laugh.

"Sorry, you have to be in a dream within a dream for that," I joke. We crack jokes for so long, that Usopp has to get our attention.

"Come on, Bonney, the bell just rung," Usopp says. With an annoyed sigh, Law and I get up.

"Damn it, Usopp! I was having so much fun!" I cry.

"Well, you and your boy-toy can have fun tomorrow. Would you two like to join me and Keimi with our other friends tomorrow after school?" Usopp asks us.

"Sure, why not?" I say.

"Hmm... I'll think about it. You know my adoptive parents," Law says. Sure enough, by Biology, he has an answer.

"Why the hell not? Hanging out with rich celebrities is too mainstream," Law whispers to me while a video on bacteria plays in the background. I smile.

"Consider this the ideal afternoon for hipsters," I say. Law grins.

"Say, are you doing anything this weekend?" Law asks me.

"Well, Keimi and her two friends, Nami and Vivi, are taking me into Reno because they needed help with their homecoming-related shopping. Why?" I ask. Law takes a deep breath.

"Don't go near downtown Reno. That place is full of unsavory people," Law explains. I shudder.

"Okay. I think I'll tell Nami, Vivi, and Keimi to stick to a mall or something," I say. I open my mouth to say something, but Mr. Caesar Clown shushes us.

Law and I make a great team. It's like we're the two lead actors in Portlandia.

* * *

It's now Friday evening, and Law and I are hanging out with Usopp's live-action roleplay group, the Straw Hat Pirates, at Usopp's house. Some of the members are in high school, like his friends Luffy, Keimi, Nami, and Vivi. Others... Are older. Sanji is a chef at a classy restaurant, Ace and Sabo are Luffy's college-aged brothers, Robin is my U.S. History teacher, Franky is my art teacher, Brook is a street performer who just happens to be a skeleton, Zoro is a freshman in college, and Chopper is a talking reindeer.

Oh, and it turns out, the Prius that I drive used to be Sabo's. Small world, huh?

"Well... This is awkward," I say nervously after about fifteen minutes of silence.

"Yeah, it gets awkward sometimes," Robin says. "By the way, Bonney, Nami, Luffy, Keimi, you have a pop quiz on Monday."

Usopp's dad, Yasopp, then enters the room.

"Son, you're gonna have to wrap-up your roleplay meeting. It's poker night," Yasopp explains. Law gives me an apologetic look.

"Anyone wanna go to my place?" Law suggests.

"Actually, no. The Capricorns hate us, remember?" Usopp points out.

"How about we go to the Irish pub and play some beer pong?" Zoro suggests.

"That would be great, if we were all twenty-one," I say. Everyone laughs.

"No, seriously, you guys have to go. Benn, Shanks, and Lucky Roux will be here any moment now, and the pizza guy hasn't shown up yet, and I need to find my cash, and -" Yasopp explains before the doorbell rings.

"Pizza man!"

* * *

Somehow, because we're bored high schoolers, Law and I end up at a nice mansion. I can hear the crappy top 40 hits from out here, and I think the current song that's playing is by Rihanna.

"Is this your place?" I ask. Law laughs nervously.

"Yeah..." Law says.

"Anything wrong?" I ask. Law grows pale.

"It's my birthday tomorrow, and the Capricorns are throwing me this huge-ass party tonight. I forgot all about it until we came here," Law says.

"One, happy birthday. And, two, screw your party. These huge, expensive, birthday parties are too mainstream," I say.

"You're right. But, for now, we have to face the music," Law says before we go in. When we get in, every single Capricorn Pirate enters the front hall. They all wear suits and formal dresses compared to the casual, hipster wear Law and I are wearing.

Obviously, we feel like we're on the recieveing end of a "#Judging you" gif on Tumblr.

"Uhh... Nice to meet you? My name's Jewelry Bonney, and I'm that hipster friend Law is talking about," I say. It's totally a nice way to meet your hipster friend's adoptive family that hates him. Not.

The three Sarutobis approach us. Everything is silent, save for the clicking of their designer, leather, dress shoes on the floor.

"Law, join the party. It's your birthday tomorrow, so live a little," Heathcliffe says. To any female besides me, that little taunt would seem sexy. To me, it just screams "GTFO away from Law NOW". And, to Law, he just sighs.

"No, Heathcliffe-ya. I told you a billion times that I didn't want a party. I told you that I wanted three-day passes to Coachella, Bonnaroo, Austin City Limits, and Lollapalooza," Law states.

"Too bad. When you're a ward of the Capricorns, do as we do," Heathcliffe explains. God, I wanna smack him for trying to make Law a poser. Law sighs.

"Look, Heathcliffe-ya, you and your brothers like punk, right? I can get you passes to the next major music festival with a famous punk band if you call off this party," Law bribes.

"_Law, now's not the time to bribe celebrities! You never got along with these people, so don't try to shut them up!_" I mentally scream to myself. Holden just scoffs.

"You'd be willing to pay upwards of a thousand dollars to get my brothers and I tickets to the Vans Warped Tour? How sweet," Holden says. Then, Kartik decides to join in.

"Law, please get dressed. You've got gifts to open and a whole, five-star meal waiting for you," Kartik pleads before he turns to me. "Bonney, you should get dressed, too."

I sigh and roll my eyes as Law leads me upstairs. When we're far from the Capricorns, we stop to talk.

"We're not going to the party. We're celebrating on my own terms, because fuck this party. It's too mainstream," Law says.

"Okay. What do you want to do?" I ask. Law opens a door, and it leads to what looks like his bedroom. The walls are painted in a yellow-ish hue, the bookshelves are filled with books about anatomy, music, counterculture, and biology, his Mac sits on a desk that I think is from IKEA, there are posters for music festivals and indie movies and artists on his walls, and a flat-screen T.V. is hooked up to a DVD player.

"What do you think? This is where the magic happens," Law asks me as he leads me inside.

"This is pretty bitchin'," I say. Law gets out his phone and dials a number.

"What do you want to eat? Chinese, pizza, Italian, or fried chicken?" Law asks me.

"Hmm... Pizza. Then again, it's YOUR birthday," I point out. After a few seconds, Law hangs up and goes over to his DVD rack.

"Portlandia, _Garden State, _or a foreign film?" Law asks me.

"Portlandia. I love that show," I say dreamily. We spend the rest of the night watching Portlandia and eating pizza. All in all, I think we had more fun than the Capricorns.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Bonney go shopping with Nami, Vivi, and Keimi.**


	4. Is it Vintage?

**Author's Note: **I'm gonna stop procrastinating and post this chapter before I procrastiante even further by redecorating my bedroom, playing Stepmania or Pokémon, watching anime, reading Homestuck, or writing other fics.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. If I did own One Piece, I'd make it more mainstream around the world. I also do not own _Twilight_, nor do I want to own that book series.**

* * *

The next day, I end up in Reno with Nami, Vivi, and Keimi, who are shopping for homecoming dresses. I tag along for two reasons - To look for a dress that's vintage since I'm already dress shopping, and to buy a birthday gift for Law, since his birthday is today.

"Bonney, what about this dress?" Nami asks as she holds up a black dress. I sigh.

"Well... Do whatever," I say because, honestly, I have no opinion on this dress.

"Bonney, do you like this dress?" Vivi asks as she holds up a red gown to my figure. I sigh.

"Sorry, guys, but I told you I'm not going to homecoming. Plus, I need to buy someone a gift," I say.

"I see. Where are you going?" Nami asks me.

"Urban Outfitters. It's Law's birthday. I'll meet up with you guys at Baratie, okay?" I say.

"Okay. See you, Bonney!" Nami says as I leave the designer dress shop.

"See you at dinner!" I call back before walking down the riverwalk.

* * *

I came away from my Urban Outfitters shopping trip pretty well. I got Law a hipster scarf, a shirt that says "I liked Game of Thrones before it was cool", and a book titled _How to Survive a Wealthy Family While Still Being Yourself _by Beau Ti-Ful Dirk-Ti Rich, and I got a vintage dress from the 1930's, a sweater, and a bow tie.

All in all, score two for the hipsters, score zero for the Capricorns. But, my good mood doesn't last long, when I realize that I'm in the bad part of town Law was talking about.

Oh, crap.

"_Okay, Bonney, you know the saying - Keep calm and carry on_," I think to myself.

"Hey there, pretty thing."

A mugger approaches me, with a switchblade in hand.

"What do you want from me?" I cry.

"I want you to give me all the money you got," The mugger demands. I reach into my leather messenger bag and pull out something else - Pepper spray. With some pepper spray in his eyes and a kick to the balls, my attacker is incapacitated.

"Works like magic," I comment as I put my pepper spray back in my bag. Thankfully, since my dad's a cop, he taught me these things.

"Bonney!"

Law pulls up to the curb in his electric vehicle.

"Oh, hey, Law. Happy birthday," I say.

"Need a ride home?" Law asks me.

"Sure. Let me call Vivi first to tell her my plans," I say. One phone call later, I'm sitting in Law's car.

"So... How did you know I was in the bad part of town?" I ask. Law sighs.

"It was just coincidence, since I was driving around. I just dropped the Sarutobi boys off at the airport, since the Capricorns will be in New York City for a few days for a con," Law explains.

"That's good. You'll have the mansion all to yourself," I say.

"Except Merry Maids," Law says. I laugh.

"Wanna open your birthday presents?" I ask.

"I do, but first, let's get something to eat. Want anything?" Law asks me.

"I'm hungry, but I don't know what to eat," I say. Law smirks.

"Well, I hope you like Chinese," Law says.

"Fine by me," I say before Law pulls into the parking lot for an all-you-can eat Chinese buffet.

* * *

**Ending Note: **This chapter is too short. Excuse me while I go procrastinate some more a la Spongebob.

**Review if you want to see the hipster vampires.**


	5. Hipster Vampires? Obscure!

**Author's Note: **Well, I just realized something - This fic is going to be MUCH shorter than I first thought, since we already know that Bonney will pick Law over Zoro, pretty much eliminating the need to parody _Eclipse_ and most of _New Moon_. I'm sorry that you won't get to see more of this parody of the most infamous book series ever.

Now then, let's begin the chapter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _Twilight_.**

* * *

The next day, I go to the Capricorns' mansion to pay Law a visit.

"Hey, Law!" I say as Law opens the door.

"Head on in, Bonney-ya," Law says as he takes me by the hand and leads me inside. I pull away, because his hands are so cold, even though the heater's on. "Well, the Capricorns come back Tuesday night. What do you want to do?"

I then realize something - I think I'm in an indie/hipster version of _Twilight_.

"I know what you are," I say. "You're freezing cold even when the heater's on, you avoid blood drives like the plague, and you knew where I was last night. Say it."

Law sighs.

"Do I fucking have to?" Law asks me.

"Say it!" I demand. Law sighs.

"Yeah, you got me. I'm a vampire," Law says before he gives me a toothy, hipster-esque grin. Sure enough, he has vampire fangs. "I don't drink human blood. I drink red beverages like cranberry juice and cherry Slurpees to satisfy my cravings, kinda like how Marceline from Adventure Time eats the color red from things. The Capricorns don't know I'm a vampire."

I knew it. Law's a vampire.

"Do you... Sparkle in the sun?" I ask. Law's face turns to a disturbed expression.

"Hell no! If I sparkled like Edward Cullen the Fairy Princess, I don't know what I'd do! At least I can go into the sunlight without anything happening to me!" Law cries. I sigh in relief.

"Thank the Vintage God!" I say. "At least this won't put a damper on our relationship."

"Yeah, about that..." Law says.

"Capricorns?" I ask.

"No, just some crazy people from Mexico," Law answers. "I think they killed my parents."

"How?" I ask.

"Well, I'm really supposed to be ninety-three. I was born in 1919 in San Fransisco, but my parents and I moved to Shanghai when I was eight. But, in 1937, the Japanese bombed Shanghai, and my parents died in the bombing. Had a crazy vampire named Donquixote Doflamingo not bitten me after the bombing, I would be a dead hipster. He also took me to Hong Kong for some reason, and then he abandoned me in Los Angeles in 1945. Then, last year, the Capricorns adopted me," Law explains.

"Why Shanghai?" I ask.

"Some arranged marriage crap to some girl with the last name of Chung-Feng," Law explains.

"Aki's grandma?" I ask, referring to Heathcliffe's girlfriend, Aki, who is from China.

"I think. Had we married, I would be Aki's grandpa, and things would be hella awkward," Law explains.

"You know, I've only been here a week, and this is the first time I've heard somebody say 'hella'. Isn't the word 'hella' part of Northern California's lingo?" I point out.

"I think it got too mainstream, and now Southern California uses it for some reason," Law explains.

"But, us hipsters are still using it," I point out. Law sighs.

"How did this turn into an arguement about local slang?" Law asks me.

"Because you were all, like, 'Had we married, I would be Aki's grandpa, and things would be hella awkward'," I retort. Law smiles, as if he found this arguement amusing.

"Look at us, we're arguing like an old, married couple," Law says.

"We'd make a hecka great married couple," I say.

"Hecka? What are you, a rapper?" Law asks. I shrug.

"Well, it seems like 'hella' got too mainstream," I point out. Law smirks.

"There you go again, with the whole 'hella is too mainstream' thing. I swear, a bell should ring every time you make that arguement," Law explains.

"See? That's the flaw in your plan. If a bell rings every time I bring up that arguement, then the arguement would be too mainstream and we'd have to switch the topic of conversation. Hipster logic wins again," I explain. Law chuckles.

"We have the best conversations ever. I mean, conversations between me and the Capricorns usually end with them nitpicking something about me, an arguement, or something about their fame," Law explains.

"Typical celebrities," I say. A few hours later, I'm leaving the mansion, when Law stops me.

"Hey, what are you doing tomorrow after school?" Law asks me.

"Nothing. Why?" I ask.

"Wanna play baseball with those roleplayers you hang out with?" Law asks.

"Sure, but, it's supposed to rain tomorrow," I point out.

"Okay, we'll do it Wednesday, since the Capricorns come home Tuesday," Law says. "See you tomorrow!"

"See you!" I say before I get into my Prius and drive off.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see the Capricorns and Straw Hats fight each other while Bonney and Law watch in the background.**


	6. Vampires vs Team Law and Bonney

**Author's Note: **I am so, so sorry for not updating this fic. In short, I got lazy writing this chapter.

Anyway, this fanfic will end in three chapters. The chapters will go like this - the day before the final battle, the final battle/a wedding, part two of the wedding, and the epilogue. Who's getting married? You'll see.

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own anything.**

* * *

"What the hell?! Why did you invited the fame-whores?! Bonney!"

It's Wednesday, the day the Straw Hats, Law, and I would be playing baseball. But, because the Capricorns are jerks, they insisted on coming as well.

"You got this from Portlandia, didn't you?" I ask Law.

"You'll never know. My ideas are as obscure as the most obscure niche artists out there," Law says with a shrug. "Capricorns, Straw Hats, at ease!"

As if on cue, the Straw Hats and Capricorns get organized into rows in front of Law and me. It's like summer camp, but with celebrities, a LARP-ing group, and two hipsters. Hell, it could pass for the summer camp from _Moonrise Kingdom_.

I've gotta stop seeing _Moonrise Kingdom_. I've seen it, like, seven times now. Maybe I should see that new _Celeste and Jessie Forever_ movie the hipsters are into now.

"Due to the fact that we have too many people, we can't play baseball," Law announces. Everyone groans.

"Fuck you! I want my money back!" Zoro yells.

"Zoro, we didn't pay Law," Nami points out. She then sniffs. "Zoro, have you been drinking again?!"

"I'm just buzzed," Zoro argues. His voice is a bit slurry. All of us facepalm.

"Now what do we do?" Kartik asks us. Nami sighs and crosses her arms.

"No clue. I don't think we came here just to argue," Nami said.

"Guys, let's go. I don't want to be around those shitty suck-ups any longer," Sanji says to the Straw Hats.

"EXCUSE ME?!" Hana cries. I sigh.

"People, please. Can't we spend one afternoon together without fighting?" I ask.

"Oh, sure, listen to the hipster! Nobody's going to listen to her because her advice is stuff we've never heard of!" Heathcliffe comments like the angry, punk boy he basically is.

"Heathcliffe x Holden! Tumblr blog! More twincest than Cersei and Jaime Lannister!" I shout out loud, reminding Heathcliffe of that Tumblr blog I would start if he double-crossed me again.

But, before he had time to react, something else happens.

"Law, we're here!"

Seven people consisting of a sluttily-dressed woman, a pimp, a guy with a feathery coat, a guy with a huge sword, a blue-skinned guy, a guy with a beard, and a tall man with horns approach us.

"Oh, fuck..." Law mutters.

"Who are they?" I ask.

"They're the Shichibukai, the most powerful vampire family ever. Their home base is in Mexico City," Law explains.

"Vampires?!" Everyone else cries.

"Uhh... Capricorns, meet Boa Hancock, Sir Crocodile, Donquixote Doflamingo, Dracule Mihawk, Jinbei, Marshall D. Teach, a.k.a. Blackbeard, and Gecko Moria," Law says as he motions to each of the Shichibukai.

"Oh, my God! It's famous swordsman Dracule Mihawk!" Kazuma and Zoro cry out at the same time.

"Fanboys," I say under my breath. Mihawk then slaps Zoro and Kazuma.

"Shut your mouth," Mihawk says curtly to everyone. Law glares at them.

"Guys, why are you here?" Law asks the vampires. Hancock flips her hair.

"We've come to take you home to Mexico City," Hancock explains. We all grow silent.

"Uhh... Why me? Can't you take that guy?" Law asks as he points to a large, bear-like man exiting a bus filled with Bible Camp campers.

"Uhh... Okay. We'll be back for you later," Jinbei says before the Shichibukai go after the bear-like man.

"Hands on the van!" Crocodile yells as he pulls out a gun. The man raises his hands. "Now, tell me your name!"

"The name is Bartholomew Kuma. Where would you like to go today?" Kuma asks the Shichibukai.

"Take us far away from here. We don't wanna be with these guys anymore," Doflamingo explains. Kuma shrugs.

"Fair enough," Kuma says before he disappears with the Shichibukai. We all sweatdrop.

"Well, that was anti-climatic!" Zoro yells after a moment. I sigh in relief.

"At least that doesn't matter to us," I say.

"No, it does not," Sanji says in agreement. "Hey... Where's the hipster kid?"

"You mean Law? He should be right here," I say.

"Uhh... No, he's not. And, don't say I didn't warn you later," Heathcliffe explains. I begin to look around.

"Law? Law? Goddamnit, Law, where are you?!" I scream. "Okay, Law, this is not funny! Come out right now from whereever your hiding this instant!"

"I told you so," Heathcliffe says. I grab some mud from the ground and throw it in his face. Normally, I'd be smirking since I threw a clod of mud into the face of a pretty-boy I despise, but my hipster vampire boyfriend disappeared for no reason.

"Shut up! Just leave me alone!" I sob before I run off crying. I've just embarassed myself in front of celebrities, but I don't care. Law is in the hands of some very dangerous people.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want Law back.**


End file.
